I'm in a bit of a mood that I don't know how to describe. It's almost like I'm lonely, despite being around people. And not just being around them; I'm interacting with people. I even went out for coffee with friends today. Part of it probably has to do with the fact that I had pie for lunch (happy pi day). While it felt great at the time, my body was definitely craving some real food by the end of the afternoon. So I decided to make KD. Perhaps not my smartest decision, but we all live with regrets (I did have some spinach salad on the side though).
I think part of it is that how I interact with people has changed a lot over the past 4 years. I was always on the extreme introvert side. I didn't enjoy hanging out with people all the time. I would max out at one social event per week. Over the past 4 years though, I've become more comfortable in who I am and have moved from 'extreme introvert' to 'introvert' (maybe even veering into ambivert...but let's not complicate things). I enjoy hanging out with my friends more often and will even plan things myself (unheard of prior to high school expect for special occasions such as my birthday). Especially after my term abroad, I'm much better at communicating with friends and putting effort in on my end of things.
The point I'm trying to meander to here, is that I always relied on other people to initiate things. And not just for hanging out; I would wait for other people to start conversations. I would wait for other people to message me or reach out to me first. My conversation starting skills are on the lacking side and it is my long-formed habit to wait for other people to start the conversation.
Now, with most people, this is not a problem. People will choose a topic and I'll go along (I'm also a big fan of joining conversations that are already going). The same cannot be said for my roommate. She is also an introvert, and also tends to wait for other people to start conversations. Do you see where this is going? If you didn't know that we were friends and watched us in our apartment, you would think that we were strangers who got along well enough to live together peacefully. When we're at school or out in other places, or there are others around, we talk well enough. But as soon as we're in the apartment, there is hardly any conversation. Obviously, I'm not expecting that we talk all the time. But we hardly have casual conversations about stuff. For all of last term, we wouldn't say anything to each other in the morning as we ate breakfast. Sitting at the same table. Across from each other. That has changed slightly, because I started saying good morning when I emerged from my bedroom. Even then, she'll say it back, and we'll go on without saying anything else. We don't even say anything as we get ready to walk to school. We just watch each other and the clock, getting ready when we know the other is ready to go. It makes me a little sad, especially because in three weeks, I probably won't see her often at all.
And I know that there is an obvious answer to this problem: talk to her. Strike up a conversation. But this is where I'll ask you to recall my earlier point that my conversation starting skills leave something to be desired. Our devices definitely has something to do with it. About 90% of the time, one of us has our headphones in, which naturally prevents conversation. I had hoped that saying 'good morning' would be enough to get a chat going over breakfast, but to no avail. Maybe my goal this week will be to start a real conversation over breakfast. This will also help me in my goal to get out of bed at a decent time, since I've been pushing that to the closest I can get it to 9AM. Wish me luck.
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